Into the Storm

The very first thing that sprang to my mind when I regained conciousness this morning was, Idiot! What the f*** did I just do!?

I've just let go of someone who meant the world to me and the shock was only slowly setting in. For months I had been battered by a storm and only recently managed to find some peace in the eye for a brief period. Now in a moment of pure madness, I've left the calm and stepped into the raging chaos once more.

So here I am, first day of my second "exile" and already entering a depression that can potentially put the stock market indices these days to shame. I suddenly found myself with scant patience for the rest of the world and there's just nothing to look forward to anymore. She has been both a stabilising and destabilising factor in my life so far. How so? One strives to better himself in order to make himself worthy of her. For her I was willing to do almost anything. Yet, she sends me teetering between bliss and depression, upsetting the most fundamental of my patience that I had so pride myself on. What a tumultous end to the year indeed but at least this is not so bad a fall as compared to the first. We fall from time to time, just so we can learn to pick ourselves up.

I'll have to push myself forward in this storm without the sunshine that I so love and need. I know beyond the storm, there are no garauntees that I'll ever see the light of day again, but this is the only way to get answers, this is my only way out. If I fall along the way, I know I have only my two hands and legs to depend upon. I hope my will and determination can carry me through, along with whatever hope is left in me. I need to see the sunlight once again.

I know you're reading this so let me make this clear. I meant what I said last night. If its space you need, then thats what you'll get. My word has always been my bond and I try to keep it that way. I don't think I have any other ways to show you that I'm really a good person. I cannot show that I am better than the one you so miss but I will respect your decision when I leave the storm. For the better part of my life, I had been walking alone in the dark. I would like some light and company for the rest of my journeys, and I do not wish for anyone else than you.

The writer is resigned to wearing the idiot tag for the next few months. Thats the least of his concerns as doubt, paranoia and fear gnaws at him.