Conscious Nightmares

I am still scarred by the manner in which my mother passed away. Everything has been a (somewhat) welcomed distraction so far as I sought to leave the pieces behind and move on as I have always done for all the bad things that happened. Yet, somehow I keep finding myself looking back and reliving that final 24hrs of anguish and despair during the quiet moments.

Just a clarification though. I am not a mummy's boy. Never was a good boy as well. I have caused her a fair bit of pain and disappointment during those rebellious years as an emo teen. Yet, I can always feel her love for me and the guilt builds up after all these years. Even though I strove to make her proud of me, I never felt I had done so. So there I was, at her bed side in that hospital room the day of her warding. She had complained of feeling chilly in spite of the blankets. It was at that moment that I did the only thing that conveyed my care for her, by taking her hands to give her some warmth. Never in my mind would I have thought that something would happen to her. She was in the care in a country boasting one of the finest healthcare services in the world. What could go wrong? It turned out, everything.

She never regained consciousness after midnight. That night till dawn was harrowing seeing her transferred to the Intensive Care Unit at 2am but still I held faith in the medical professionals. The next afternoon, seeing her lying helpless in bed and being restrained in a semi-conscious state, I broke down in public. Yet still, I held out hope that she might pull through.

Then it started. First, her heart stopped beating but the doctors restarted it and pumped adrenaline to aid the heart. I was sent home earlier to wash up and prepare to spend the night on a virgil and had to rush back in the evening traffic, all the while murmuring desperately for her to at least hold on till I'm there. We finally had the opportunity to go into the room. We were there giving her verbal encouragement, futile hope that she can make it out in one piece. Then against all hope, her heart failed a second time and the nurses pulled the curtains for a final time as despair started to fill my heart. I was shattered when the doctor came out with the bad news. We filed in to be with her one last time. I knew she was already gone. It had been far too long for her brain to still be functioning while lacking in oxygen. It was raining by the time we went home after settling the forms and the funeral arrangements. It felt like the whole world was crying with me.

Several months on. I'm back to working and whatever socialising I had, trying to go back to the "normal" life I once had but the sense of something missing never left. This Mother's day, I bought a stalk of carnation for the first time and visited her. We had never really celebrated that day but I desperately wanted to do something. I still feel alot of guilt and regret for never showing her more concern than I should have as her son. Yet, I know I have to put up a show of strength for the sake of my father, who was probably the hardest hit by this event. With this vast amount of guilt eating away, I don't know how long I can put up this facade as I feel the cracks starting to form. I am human too afterall you know...

One hurdle cleared for the year

It is a herculean task for every "able-bodied" male in Singapore to have to pass their annual Individual Physical Proficiency Test (IPPT). It ironic that almost every male, once having left the army or past the age of 30, inevitably developes an unhealthy increase in the size of his pants. Thankfully, I'm still not in this bunch but its still very demoralising to have to undertake this strainuous task every year.

Not that I have a difficulty in passing, I'm just trying to get the bare minimum (personal)standard of silver (and that $200 that comes with it). So there I was on the running track, running for my dear life, trying to beat the clock with my huffing and panting. Very soon, the dry throat and aching legs caught up but I did manage to cross before my mental endurance collapsed. So I've crossed this hurdle and am able to settle back into being a couch potato again for another year.

And how did I spend that extra cash? I went and blew it by offsetting the cost of a limited edition PSP Slim. And coincidentally its colours coincide with the colours of my team (Red Devils). Everything's good right now :)