It feels like a game of poker right now.
For those familiar with the game, the situation is such that I need the final card (river) to complete a straight set while my opponent already holds 2 pairs. And I have a lousy poker face...
This has been a prolonged and exhaustive game. Suppose you say I can just get up and walk away. I must say I don't gamble often and I usually almost always never win but for some reason I've decided to empty my corner and put all my chips down in the pot. It's now all or nothing for me, because this is something I cannot afford to lose, something I can no longer bear to let go.
Just this once, I'd really like to win. Then I ask of nothing else.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Dreams, on a wing and a prayer
Things are not going well. I've been crashing down the pits quite often lately and not finding the solace I've been seeking.
Work is becoming more and more like a pile of BS. When the bosses start breathing down your neck or looking over your shoulders all the time, there are times that I started contemplating on getting down to typing that resignation letter. So far, common sense woke up in time to arrest that. And now that we have worked our asses off for the entire year, every single one of us have to expect a cut in our bonuses AND face a pay-cut sometime soon. It's starting to look like a really short straw I'm drawing.
On the personal life side, a bit of comforting news that has brought about much discomfort and it seems as if the situation has not changed much from where it was 2 years ago. It has been a situation where I find myself half expecting bad news or a heart break with every passing second. Sometimes to the extent of having insomnia throughout the night. I used to think that romance and love is all fun and straightforward, it never was and it certainly won't be with the road I have chosen. It has been full of confusion, heartaches and fear. Fear? The fear of losing the chance of a life-time, the fear of losing out for the love of the one, the fear of rejection.
We've been spending quite a fair bit of time together mainly because I know she needs the support and company. But when she tries to push away and distance herself, it felt like a thousand burning needles sticking at me. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem good enough is it? You had to keep throwing the kitchen sink at me just to keep me at a distance when I'm already giving you ample space and time. How far is far? Out of your sight or out of your life?
Maybe I have been trying too hard and crossing the line unknowingly as I tried to help out as a friend. Perhaps it was just too soon or perhaps you just cannot bring yourself to accept me into your life. Perhaps you hate me for being the cause of all your miseries. Too much uncertainties in this quirky situation. It really is very unsettling to have your life being decided by something that is beyond explanation, this funny little thing called fate.
What will be will be. That is why my dreams are now on a wing and a prayer. You know where to find me, cause I'll be right here. Waiting for you.
Work is becoming more and more like a pile of BS. When the bosses start breathing down your neck or looking over your shoulders all the time, there are times that I started contemplating on getting down to typing that resignation letter. So far, common sense woke up in time to arrest that. And now that we have worked our asses off for the entire year, every single one of us have to expect a cut in our bonuses AND face a pay-cut sometime soon. It's starting to look like a really short straw I'm drawing.
On the personal life side, a bit of comforting news that has brought about much discomfort and it seems as if the situation has not changed much from where it was 2 years ago. It has been a situation where I find myself half expecting bad news or a heart break with every passing second. Sometimes to the extent of having insomnia throughout the night. I used to think that romance and love is all fun and straightforward, it never was and it certainly won't be with the road I have chosen. It has been full of confusion, heartaches and fear. Fear? The fear of losing the chance of a life-time, the fear of losing out for the love of the one, the fear of rejection.
We've been spending quite a fair bit of time together mainly because I know she needs the support and company. But when she tries to push away and distance herself, it felt like a thousand burning needles sticking at me. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem good enough is it? You had to keep throwing the kitchen sink at me just to keep me at a distance when I'm already giving you ample space and time. How far is far? Out of your sight or out of your life?
Maybe I have been trying too hard and crossing the line unknowingly as I tried to help out as a friend. Perhaps it was just too soon or perhaps you just cannot bring yourself to accept me into your life. Perhaps you hate me for being the cause of all your miseries. Too much uncertainties in this quirky situation. It really is very unsettling to have your life being decided by something that is beyond explanation, this funny little thing called fate.
What will be will be. That is why my dreams are now on a wing and a prayer. You know where to find me, cause I'll be right here. Waiting for you.
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