That illusive thing

There's something in this world that everyone haven't seen before
It's something gentle and very sweet
If they saw it, everyone would probably want it
That's why it was hidden from the World
So it cannot be easily obtained
But eventually, someone will find it
Only that one person will find it
This is the way things go
That is how it is...

Pathfinder

Everyone walks along different paths. Many cross each other's paths, some walk together, others never met in their entire lives. I believe I've been choosing the path that few have chosen to travel.

Blame it on my stubborn nature and independent trait, I've always been choosing paths that has been filled with anxiety, stress and dubious (somewhat treacherous) roads.

Take for example, the first real choice I had to make, which was at the crossroads after the 'O'-level examinations. I had my mind dead set on getting into Ngee Ann Polytechnic's Biotechnology program (now called Life Sciences I believe). However, that path was made difficult by my results and I was posted to another program at another institute. I decided to fight it out with the various appeal channels. A few weeks later, my official appeal was rejected and disappointment permeated my spirit. Just a few days before I was to officially enroll into the program, I got a letter informing me my appeal through the "student leader scheme" had been successful and I am thankful today that I tried all I could to get in, because of all the wonderful people I've had the pleasure to have crossed paths with.

Another crossroads came up after that short 3 year journey. Although us guys had it better (in a sense) without having to ponder too much about our futures by deferring it for 2 and a half years while we serve our nation. Most people would have branded me as nuts but I chose to join the military as a career (albeit a short term one) with the view of saving up to further my studies. Looking back, it might still be too soon to conclude whether it was a wise choice and all. There were good times and bad, fun and boredom, tears and triumph (hey, I did conquer my fear of heights by jumping out of an aircraft so gimme some credit alright?). It wasn't an easy time I'll admit but I survived, maybe a little wiser, a little more humble and alot more aware of my own failings and limitations.

When I left the army, my path had already been determined as I jet off to Queensland for my Uni studies. Down under there were many choices to make (in the form of modules and courses) and I must say that most of what I took had brought with them valuable experiences, some of which I'd probably never have the chance to experience again (saving green turtle hatchlings anyone?). It was also there that I've chosen to embark on the most treacherous paths I've took so far...

The writer has been cut off for the time being for being too long-winded. We apologies for the inconveniences caused. ~ Editor

Yesterday and Today

Time doesn't just fly, it goes by at warp speed, leaving a trail of memories in its wake. Hitting the big 3 soon and still alone, it never fails to start generating a chemical (worry) that hastens the discolouration of the hair.

It doesn't help when you hear of friends and former army mates getting married or already starting families and you're not even within sight of a proper relationship. Usually the people who tend to tell you not to worry too much are either already in a relationship or married. The only singles who will give that advice are those who wish for you to stay single and commenserate in their misery!

Lately, the feeling of loneliness has started creeping into the soul. I feel like an empty shell, asking myself "what the heck am I doing?" when I wake up every single day. Everything seems so dull of a sudden as the realisation sets in that there's nothing to work for or to achieve. For fast cars and big money? What's the point? I dun feel the urge to have everything when I'll still end up with nothing. Every material comfort brings little comfort in the dark lonely nights, the boring rainy days and the quiet moments when you wish you'd be able to exchange all you have for someone to be by your side.

I'm sure there are many who think that once you have the money, the girls will flock to you. Grow up. It doesn't always work that way. If I'd wanted a Material girl, I would have gone and robbed a bank instead of slaving it out in a slow moving job. Perhaps I'm just not too sure of what I want to do with my life at this point in time, hence the sense of hopelessness (blame the boss perhaps?). But I do know that I still have dreams that I would like to fufil. I think I just need a catalyst to come along and give me the boost that I so desperately need. I need you.

The writer is currently not in depression (although his stocks are) and is not on suicide watch. He sleeps rather soundly in his padded cell (ahem... room) and can be overheard babbling nonsense from time to time. Something about the moon, and a nine-year old song...

Subconcious Death

Dreams come and go and one scarcely remembers anything once consciousness is regained. This one was somewhat different.

I was in Tokyo walking around when I recieved a message on my mobile from a friend asking where I was. I remembered replying the Kanda Myojin shrine, which was one of the shrines in the Akihabara region that I visited while I was there.

The next thing I know, I recalled moving to a location to wait for her. It felt as if I was moving to the train station nearby but it turned out to be another shrine, but is its not any I can think of. There was a river behind the building and the opposite shore was brightly lit. The shrine itself was quite dark and had an air that felt like sorrow and the presence of several people wailing, as if in mourning. And I felt like a virtual spectator whereby every being was oblivious to my presence.

After a while it started raining but for some reason, I chose not to go into the shrine but instead took shelter underneathe some canvas shelters outside, all the while just hanging around waiting for my friend to show up. When she did, I remember being so glad and got ready to leave. Just when she came beside me to walk off together, thats when I awoke.

What was so different about this particular dream you may ask? This one remains fresh in my mind, even after a few days. Upon closer reflection, it appears that this may be interpreted as death. The river was the boundary seperating the world of the living (brightly lit shore) and the dead (dark, sorrowful place), similar to the classical myth of the River Styx in Hades. My refusal to enter the shrine could also mean I could not do so as a being from another world (although from which I cannot be sure). The "mourners" may be lamenting their own fates or perhaps mourning for someone's passing. Since they appear in my dream, one can only assume it was probably for myself. It felt like I was a soul standing there waiting for someone. Though the theme appears to be death, it never for once felt like a nightmare.

There were several things that struck me as I recall the events. Even in my own dream, I have to wait for this friend of mine. I could have chosen to go anywhere or do anything else for the tntire duration until she shows up, yet I chose to stay and wait, as if nothing else was more important to me. It clearly highlights the waiting mentality that I have adopted in both the conscious world and my subconscious mind. So far, for all I know, only the Shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu had perfected the art of waiting and gained everything. No one else has come close ever since.

The writer is not a student of Sigmund Freud and the dream interpretations are his own. Any similarities with persons, living or dead (pun NOT intended) are unintentional and purely coincidental. He also wishes to highlight that the waiting game is an exhaustive exercise and will not recommend it to those who cannot cope with alot of stress, depression and sporadic shocks.

Poker. Going for broke.

It feels like a game of poker right now.

For those familiar with the game, the situation is such that I need the final card (river) to complete a straight set while my opponent already holds 2 pairs. And I have a lousy poker face...

This has been a prolonged and exhaustive game. Suppose you say I can just get up and walk away. I must say I don't gamble often and I usually almost always never win but for some reason I've decided to empty my corner and put all my chips down in the pot. It's now all or nothing for me, because this is something I cannot afford to lose, something I can no longer bear to let go.

Just this once, I'd really like to win. Then I ask of nothing else.