Lost in directions

L'homme est d'abord ce qui se jette vers un avenir,et ce qui est conscient de se projeter dans l'avenir
- Jean-Paul Sartre

What truth these words reflect. Every now and then, one arrives at a crossroad on their journeys. If one is lucky, the way ahead is clearly pointed out with a classic arrow signpost. Some will get clearcut choices (flat path as opposed to rocky terrain). The worst one can get is a dead end.

Since my life have been revolving around the anime world, should it be any surprise that I actually take my directions from there? To be honest, anime has given me more comfort than any of my friends or family members throughout the years. Even though some anime are downright depressing, I can never fail to sense the hope behind every last episode, even though the endings may not always be a happy one.

So here I am, a decade of joining the otaku rank and file. Still the same hopeless person as ten years ago. To the extent of drawing hope from anime, seeing the parallels with my life and deriving advice from it. For example, feeling frustrated at the main character's inability to profess his feelings, I tried forcing myself to take the next step (but not getting the results anyway). Drawing spirit from the sacrifices the guy character goes through for the girl, I tried emulating in my own way (but to no avail as well). Makes one lose confidence in myself with each passing day, wondering and reasoning through my own faults and failings. Sometimes I wonder if the writer for Toradora is actually someone who knows me or has been monitoring my life... but I guess otakus like me are just not cut out to go into a relationship.

I know I've been sitting on this entry for 4 days by now, I'm just reluctant to commit so much of the raw emotions I feel into words. Today (9th April), for the first time in a long while, I woke up with the urge to break down crying. Not because I had to drag myself to work again, but it was an unexplanable surge in a mix of emotions like sorrow and anguish. It could be due to the wierd dream I had earlier (it's kind of inexplicable right now) or perhaps the dam started leaking there and then.

The writer is not posting any post scripts for this entry. Not in the mood to even try to be funny. (Sorry -Ed.)