It feels like a game of poker right now.
For those familiar with the game, the situation is such that I need the final card (river) to complete a straight set while my opponent already holds 2 pairs. And I have a lousy poker face...
This has been a prolonged and exhaustive game. Suppose you say I can just get up and walk away. I must say I don't gamble often and I usually almost always never win but for some reason I've decided to empty my corner and put all my chips down in the pot. It's now all or nothing for me, because this is something I cannot afford to lose, something I can no longer bear to let go.
Just this once, I'd really like to win. Then I ask of nothing else.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Dreams, on a wing and a prayer
Things are not going well. I've been crashing down the pits quite often lately and not finding the solace I've been seeking.
Work is becoming more and more like a pile of BS. When the bosses start breathing down your neck or looking over your shoulders all the time, there are times that I started contemplating on getting down to typing that resignation letter. So far, common sense woke up in time to arrest that. And now that we have worked our asses off for the entire year, every single one of us have to expect a cut in our bonuses AND face a pay-cut sometime soon. It's starting to look like a really short straw I'm drawing.
On the personal life side, a bit of comforting news that has brought about much discomfort and it seems as if the situation has not changed much from where it was 2 years ago. It has been a situation where I find myself half expecting bad news or a heart break with every passing second. Sometimes to the extent of having insomnia throughout the night. I used to think that romance and love is all fun and straightforward, it never was and it certainly won't be with the road I have chosen. It has been full of confusion, heartaches and fear. Fear? The fear of losing the chance of a life-time, the fear of losing out for the love of the one, the fear of rejection.
We've been spending quite a fair bit of time together mainly because I know she needs the support and company. But when she tries to push away and distance herself, it felt like a thousand burning needles sticking at me. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem good enough is it? You had to keep throwing the kitchen sink at me just to keep me at a distance when I'm already giving you ample space and time. How far is far? Out of your sight or out of your life?
Maybe I have been trying too hard and crossing the line unknowingly as I tried to help out as a friend. Perhaps it was just too soon or perhaps you just cannot bring yourself to accept me into your life. Perhaps you hate me for being the cause of all your miseries. Too much uncertainties in this quirky situation. It really is very unsettling to have your life being decided by something that is beyond explanation, this funny little thing called fate.
What will be will be. That is why my dreams are now on a wing and a prayer. You know where to find me, cause I'll be right here. Waiting for you.
Work is becoming more and more like a pile of BS. When the bosses start breathing down your neck or looking over your shoulders all the time, there are times that I started contemplating on getting down to typing that resignation letter. So far, common sense woke up in time to arrest that. And now that we have worked our asses off for the entire year, every single one of us have to expect a cut in our bonuses AND face a pay-cut sometime soon. It's starting to look like a really short straw I'm drawing.
On the personal life side, a bit of comforting news that has brought about much discomfort and it seems as if the situation has not changed much from where it was 2 years ago. It has been a situation where I find myself half expecting bad news or a heart break with every passing second. Sometimes to the extent of having insomnia throughout the night. I used to think that romance and love is all fun and straightforward, it never was and it certainly won't be with the road I have chosen. It has been full of confusion, heartaches and fear. Fear? The fear of losing the chance of a life-time, the fear of losing out for the love of the one, the fear of rejection.
We've been spending quite a fair bit of time together mainly because I know she needs the support and company. But when she tries to push away and distance herself, it felt like a thousand burning needles sticking at me. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem good enough is it? You had to keep throwing the kitchen sink at me just to keep me at a distance when I'm already giving you ample space and time. How far is far? Out of your sight or out of your life?
Maybe I have been trying too hard and crossing the line unknowingly as I tried to help out as a friend. Perhaps it was just too soon or perhaps you just cannot bring yourself to accept me into your life. Perhaps you hate me for being the cause of all your miseries. Too much uncertainties in this quirky situation. It really is very unsettling to have your life being decided by something that is beyond explanation, this funny little thing called fate.
What will be will be. That is why my dreams are now on a wing and a prayer. You know where to find me, cause I'll be right here. Waiting for you.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Withdrawal
That's it. I'm officially an addict. The cravings just won't stop and its threatening to swamp out my senses and it seems nothing that I use to do matters anymore. I want it, I need it, I'm in pain. Your presence, it's my vicodine, my morphine, and the reason why I'm still alive.
This sheer desperation is torturous and tormenting me every waking moment. I need reprieve and solace but where can it be found? For those of you who STILL do not get it, I fell madly in love, to someone I shouldn't have (or so she keeps telling me).
I am so torn between patience and desperation. On one hand, I know it would do me good to be patient. You always hear me say what will be will be but as the sand trickles, I find myself believing less and less of it. Cue desperation. I'm desperate to make myself heard and make it up the mountain before it becomes insurmountable. The avalanches and rockfalls you trigger do not help one bit as you continuously try to throw me off. Every word was like needles piercing through my heart like the chilling cold of the atmosphere you try to create and deter this mountaineer.
Do you know what it's like? Being trod on and put down despite giving it all that you can give? And yet, despite all the misery and pain, one keeps going on. Fear gripes him at every ledge, anxiety pushes him to go faster even though it is perilous to do so. The loner gets no sympathy from the mountain, no sincere support from those he knows. He is all alone in his quest to scale the peak.
Why? He has given up once before so why not again? He has let go and yet he came back to the very same peak again. What drove him to such madness and compels him to do it all over again? Not because its there, but because of the promise of a new beginning that he desperately craves. To be with you ever since the first time you beheld his gaze. Do you still not see it girl? I am so madly in love with you that I will try my best, or die trying. You are the only solace I can find in this madness surrounding me and my only light in the darkness that perpetuates my life.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Madness? This is what they call Love.
It used to be that my patience can tide me through many things but lately it seems, my patience is being tried and it is no longer as dependable as it was. Time as it seems, is no longer on my side as I now try to surmount some rather tough odds as I start finding myself worrying more than ever as the sense of urgency creeps up on me to get an answer. The pressure and stress of work is not helping (neither is the fact that my supported teams are not performing well, whats the go Ferrari?!). Heck, I'm even contemplating on going overseas to chase someone down if it comes down to that.
It all sounds a little cryptic here but thats the way it is. I'm back to my cryptic secretive ways. The walls have eyes, or I may be going mad from all that anxiety...
It all sounds a little cryptic here but thats the way it is. I'm back to my cryptic secretive ways. The walls have eyes, or I may be going mad from all that anxiety...
Monday, September 15, 2008
Brief respite
And so it came to pass, the brief respite I had from the toils and troubles of work and (gasp) more work. This planned trip to the land of the rising sun had taken far too long to materialise but it finally pulled through and I, for one, am finally having a long break from all the worrying I've been doing.
For this purpose, I hopped on board the new A380 for a short flight to the Eastern Capital of Tokyo, for what had been a trip 3 years in the making, with a good friend of mine. We reached our destination early morning on the 5th and after a breif stopover at Tokyo station for some coffee (he insisted on filling his stomach) before making our way to our ryokan. But due to an error in taking the trains, we ended up in the wrong direction, at Akihabara. Omnious sign to reach the very stop I had always wanted to come to. But we had our luggage in tow so we made our way to the ryokan (the right direction) and reached there by 10-11ish. The check-in was pretty simple and the room was cosy. We popped in to a nearby 7-11 for our first meal of instant noodles. Hey, it was no shame at all since it was a totally new experience to be eating something of such good quality.
So there we were for the whole of 7 days, running around (the train system was surprisingly not that complicated) and going plenty of places. We, or rather I, hung around Akihabara for a good portion of the trip. It was my Mecca and paradise. To be able to finally enter Animate, hunt in Toranoana and explore Mandarake was so indescribable, I spent a few hours scouring through the stuff at one place that I almost forgot the time!
But all is not about Akiba. We did go to the famous fish market at Tsukiji (and feasted on some very fresh sushi), scooted over to the famous shrines in Nikko, visited the various temples in Asakuza (the famous Raimon too), Ueno, Ochanomizu and others (including the notorious Yasukuni). I ended up getting several charms for my colleagues and friends (friends got most of the charms praying for love, I got 4 for myself alone :p). I was so bowled over by the place and the feeling that I didn't really want to come back. A visit to the Maid cafe (Pinafore) was so unreal but it was like a chicken going into the pond. Had a real hard time trying to communicate and the girls were so cute trying to make sense! I was a very sad soul when I was boarding the plane.
Coming back home, I came crashing down. Suddenly everything became drab and the public transport was a total let-down (not that it was that fantastic to begin with).It was tough picking myself up to get back to work, especially when I landed smack in the middle of a fire-fighting session back in the office. Sigh.... back to work.
For this purpose, I hopped on board the new A380 for a short flight to the Eastern Capital of Tokyo, for what had been a trip 3 years in the making, with a good friend of mine. We reached our destination early morning on the 5th and after a breif stopover at Tokyo station for some coffee (he insisted on filling his stomach) before making our way to our ryokan. But due to an error in taking the trains, we ended up in the wrong direction, at Akihabara. Omnious sign to reach the very stop I had always wanted to come to. But we had our luggage in tow so we made our way to the ryokan (the right direction) and reached there by 10-11ish. The check-in was pretty simple and the room was cosy. We popped in to a nearby 7-11 for our first meal of instant noodles. Hey, it was no shame at all since it was a totally new experience to be eating something of such good quality.
So there we were for the whole of 7 days, running around (the train system was surprisingly not that complicated) and going plenty of places. We, or rather I, hung around Akihabara for a good portion of the trip. It was my Mecca and paradise. To be able to finally enter Animate, hunt in Toranoana and explore Mandarake was so indescribable, I spent a few hours scouring through the stuff at one place that I almost forgot the time!
But all is not about Akiba. We did go to the famous fish market at Tsukiji (and feasted on some very fresh sushi), scooted over to the famous shrines in Nikko, visited the various temples in Asakuza (the famous Raimon too), Ueno, Ochanomizu and others (including the notorious Yasukuni). I ended up getting several charms for my colleagues and friends (friends got most of the charms praying for love, I got 4 for myself alone :p). I was so bowled over by the place and the feeling that I didn't really want to come back. A visit to the Maid cafe (Pinafore) was so unreal but it was like a chicken going into the pond. Had a real hard time trying to communicate and the girls were so cute trying to make sense! I was a very sad soul when I was boarding the plane.
Coming back home, I came crashing down. Suddenly everything became drab and the public transport was a total let-down (not that it was that fantastic to begin with).It was tough picking myself up to get back to work, especially when I landed smack in the middle of a fire-fighting session back in the office. Sigh.... back to work.
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