Things just keep getting...

I'm struck by insomnia once again. To compound matters, I've also been running a mild fever for the past few days and to top it all off, I think I have a fish bone lodged rather deeply in my throat and I'm hoping it would dislodge itself soon.

Physical pain aside, mentally its been a torture. How would you feel if you have people under you but to get the work done right, you know it can only be done by you? That is the situation I'm currently facing. Sure I can teach or show them how to go about it but do you really trust someone else who has zero practical experience, no understanding on the process and near zero aptitude? Which begs another question. How do you trust someone to find their way when they seem to have zero directional sense?

Next. I'd like to pose a question to everyone who cares. Say you bought a beautiful vase several years back and it broke perhaps due to poor workmanship or questionable material quality. Would you go back to the same manufacturer to get a replacement? Would you attempt to glue the pieces back and try to ignore the underlining structural flaws? Or would you get a brand new (albeit different) one from someone else?

Think about it and get back to me. I could use some feedback. This fatigue is slowly killing me.

The writer is very relieved its Friday but laments that the week is passing too slowly for his liking and in his feverish state, has attempted to throw the clock out the window just to "see time fly".

New Year, new look, same crappy feeling

New year. New look. Wings have now been revamped and spruced up. Thanks to the help of my friend 5th Halo.

First week in the storm and it feels like a month or a year, already its slipping away from me. Throw in work, a crappy public transport, inconsiderate (read: STUPID) people, plus the world seems to run on Murphy's Law these days. Already I feel burnt out.

The only bright side so far, all seven of my gunplas I've been working on for the past 6 months or so have finally had their eyes "dotted" (traditionally the final step for modellers) but I still have some minor work left to do before I embark on the most ambitious project to date as an otaku. It's a secret to some so I can't publicly reveal it yet.

On the personal front again, the past few days have been rather trying. It is a pain trying to keep your hands away from the phone (or the keyboard) to send a message but I've managed to (so far...). The "so near yet so far" feeling is particularly unnerving and also, I feel like complete crap. The idea of weaning each other off mutually is a "noble" one (even though the excuse was to forget about someone else instead) but I dun think it's gonna work at all, at least not on my part. Reason's very simple. She's been a relief for everything that pulled me down. Now that she's no longer around "for me", there's really nothing to stop that sinking feeling every single day. Well, maybe when Friday comes around that might produce a minor rally in the Current Mood Index. Hmmm, CMI... Cannot make it? Pun certainly wasn't intended when I started. But then again, that's one week down, how many more weeks to go?

Talk to me, please...?

The writer is currently running a slight fever but will not be taking medical leave tomorrow unless it worsens. Now get back to work! You lazy bum! *Crack whip* ~ Ed

Dear Friends...

It is with great sadness that we bid farewell to an eventful year. The extravagence of the Olympic Games in Beijing, the trajedies of the Sichuan earthquake, the China milk scandals, the disasterous financial meltdown...

As we look back and recall the events that were, we now turn our sights to what is to come. The new year brings new hope for all. The hope for peace, the hope for stability, the hope for happiness. As we close the book for the year, it is time for us to reflect and think of what we can do in the coming year to better ourselves.

New Year resolutions. Chief of all has always been to control this temper of mine for almost a decade now. While I haven't been all that successful, at least I think I'm at least much closer to reaching that than I was then.

Next in line is to continue getting that extra $200 for my annual IPPT. Age seems to be catching up but I think I can still hack it if I start training well before the traditional slot I've picked out.

Finally, against all odds, I would very much like to get an answer to the question that has been haunting me for the past 3 years.

The writer has taken a sabbatical from all the worries and troubles to wish everyone a Happy New Year and better times ahead.

Into the Storm

The very first thing that sprang to my mind when I regained conciousness this morning was, Idiot! What the f*** did I just do!?

I've just let go of someone who meant the world to me and the shock was only slowly setting in. For months I had been battered by a storm and only recently managed to find some peace in the eye for a brief period. Now in a moment of pure madness, I've left the calm and stepped into the raging chaos once more.

So here I am, first day of my second "exile" and already entering a depression that can potentially put the stock market indices these days to shame. I suddenly found myself with scant patience for the rest of the world and there's just nothing to look forward to anymore. She has been both a stabilising and destabilising factor in my life so far. How so? One strives to better himself in order to make himself worthy of her. For her I was willing to do almost anything. Yet, she sends me teetering between bliss and depression, upsetting the most fundamental of my patience that I had so pride myself on. What a tumultous end to the year indeed but at least this is not so bad a fall as compared to the first. We fall from time to time, just so we can learn to pick ourselves up.

I'll have to push myself forward in this storm without the sunshine that I so love and need. I know beyond the storm, there are no garauntees that I'll ever see the light of day again, but this is the only way to get answers, this is my only way out. If I fall along the way, I know I have only my two hands and legs to depend upon. I hope my will and determination can carry me through, along with whatever hope is left in me. I need to see the sunlight once again.

I know you're reading this so let me make this clear. I meant what I said last night. If its space you need, then thats what you'll get. My word has always been my bond and I try to keep it that way. I don't think I have any other ways to show you that I'm really a good person. I cannot show that I am better than the one you so miss but I will respect your decision when I leave the storm. For the better part of my life, I had been walking alone in the dark. I would like some light and company for the rest of my journeys, and I do not wish for anyone else than you.

The writer is resigned to wearing the idiot tag for the next few months. Thats the least of his concerns as doubt, paranoia and fear gnaws at him.

Utter disappointment

You can always choose your friends, but you can never choose your family. Famous words uttered by the Godfather himself.

Though I'm not close to any of my relatives, I don't harbour any ill-feeling nor malice against them. I'm simply detached. But try as I may, one can only evade so much. Many of them are actually quite nice people, if not for the expected (and enormously annoying) questions that follow after the initial greetings.

Though I usually parry them by joking back about my current status, it somehow puts me in an awkward position and brings about great discomfort. Being from a large extended family (5 uncles and 9 aunts), it takes alot of effort to be smiling through each and every "interrogation". And no, declaring the 302 status here is not advisable. Which brings me to the background story...

My 2nd uncle was celebrating his birthday and almost everyone showed up for the feast, including many cousins, nephews and nieces. Many of them already have partners with them so the target boards have largely whittled down to myself and my siblings, with me taking all the flak. And drawing on my taichi, I managed to parry most of it as I've already mentioned.

As the celebrations go on, I cannot help but be increasingly envious of all the married relatives I observed. Especially so when the Birthday "boy" was unable to take the toast, his wife gamely took over for him. They're both past their 70s mind you and one cannot help but admire their resilience and dedication to each other. All this while, I remain seated quietly in one corner, smiling along.

I cannot help but feel extremely disappointed with myself at this point in time. My limited achievements seem so insignificant all of a sudden as I stare into an abyss of failure. Perhaps that's the reason why I avoid these functions or stick around when people come visiting. Times like these you just want to up and move to somewhere and be alone for a while...

The writer is currently teetering on the edge of depression and desperately seeks solace in labouring on his models, and only finding very little of it. He also still reeks of his friend's terrier, which he had to cradle while on the ride back.