Minor ramblings on a sleepless night

It's one of those nights plagued with insomnia and so here I am to summarise some thoughts of the events that have come to pass.

First up, there's the coup and counter-coup within a local organisation that has drama written all over it. Amidst all the big hoo-ha over the incident, I find it mildly amusing that a small organisation with a membership of 3000 (effectively less than that have voting rights) claiming to represent a 3-million size population. Sounds arrogant and elitist to me.

Now if we go deeper into this cesspool, we get to the mudslinging of claims and counter-claims (whoopee). Apparantly, it began with an issue with the "direction" (ahem ahem) the organistion has been gearing towards but in the end it mutated into an issue with secularism and "civil movement". It's all a farce and a damn big joke if you asked me. It is of no surprise to me that, after the counter-coup parties claimed "victory" in the name of "tolerance", a certain group organised a "support" event shortly after. If there was to be a "victory" parade, it's very subtle indeed.

On the flip side, after a roller-coaster season (the up has been good but the occassional down was too sttep for my liking), I can finally heave a sigh of relief as the championship has been sewn up. Making it even better was denying the arch-rival any further attempts to churn up their nonsense. Sure you've beaten us twice but what has that got you? I guess it's finally time for me to do the gloating huh? But don't worry, I'll hold it off for just another few more days before I finally let it rip. Having been at the recieving end of some rather unsavoury comments posted up in FB, I'll be civil enough so as not to drop to your level. Revenge is a dish best served cold indeed.

Finally, been busy working and working. Job and hobby. Yes yes, I know I spend too much free time either on my hobby or on the internet. I got hooked on a certain anime too, even though it's one year late but hey, at least I don't get the chance to splurge on related merchandise anymore. Lately, I think I'm displaying more and more of the otaku trait. i.e. buying/wearing anime related clothing, hanging toys on my bag, unveiling that gigantic framed wedding poster of my favourite character.... (yes yes, I'm not running from the fact that I'm still single and unwanted)

One last note. Here's a song found within that anime. I think I know a few people who will probably loathe this song if they knew what it is about. ;)

http://www.esnips.com/doc/0414489c-b97c-4b67-9a07-017d5667da64/01---Misoji-Misaki

The writer is still not able to sleep. That pile of comics in the corner is starting to look very tempting....

I need a break but not like this!

Ever had one of those days where you did something against your better judgement and end up being a big loser? Yesterday for me was one of those days. I went to work despite harbouring an awesome headache.

Before you jumped to conclusions, this had nothing to do with the fact that it was a Monday, nor was it psychological. The pressure inside my head was really something and if not for the pills I popped, I could barely be standing up by mid-day. Now I'm not about to be endorsing any commercial products here but those pills were a life-saver.

For most of the day, I tried taking it easy with a persistent pain at the back of my head. Fueled entirely by caffeine and paracetamol. Knock off time couldn't have come any earlier as I withstood the torturous journey home on public transport. Again, instead of heading to see a physician, I decided to sleep it off. It didn't help as the headache persisted this morning. I took my first sick leave for the year after soldiering on for many similar occasions earlier on. So here I am, sleeping off the day at home without any signs of improvement as the pain continues to linger in the head but I must get back to work soon....

The writer doubts the situation will improve come morning and wishes to clarify that he is NOT a workaholic. Really.

Ode to my Mother

I know you can no longer hear what I have to say, nor read what I write but I still will write this anyway. Ever since that dark drizzling night I have always felt the deep regrets of not having said what I needed to say.

The others are bound to start labelling me as mummy's boy but I know otherwise. What do they know about the loss of someone who has been a constant pillar of strength and support? How many of them have lost someone dearest to them, forever?

I hope you have gone in peace, free from the torture and burden of leaving us behind. All of us are more or less grown up by now and living fairly independent lives. We know we have caused you much grief throughout our lives and we hope you forgive us. I personally know I had not been up to your expectations since going from the top of the class to middle of the class mediocrity, culminating in the extreme disappointment of that certain period during secondary school.

Since that day, I had picked myself up and started climbing again. Although I could never climb to the level most parents would have wanted their kids, it was the way which I chose to go and I know you have always been supportive of that. I have always been grateful for your presence during the depressing periods I had to endure throughout my polytechnic and army years. It may not be much but having you and father pin on my epaulets was one of the proudest and happiest moments of my life. Close to that would be having our family photo taken during my graduation. In these two milestones of my life, I hope I had redeemed myself somewhat and done you proud.

Although I often accuse you of favouritism towards my younger siblings, I know you take the effort for me too. I will never forget how, when I mentioned about the torturous smell of curry making us hungry during our long march exercise in near starvation conditions, you proceeded to cook curry for me when I booked out that weekend. It was heavenly.

The moment I saw you lying in the ICU, I broke down abruptly. I had never realised how much you meant to me till then but we all know that it's usually too little too late. When you finally left, it was a crushing blow to all of us, most of all for dad. It hurts to see him retain his composure for our sake, it hurts even more to see the parting tears in your eyes and having all these words bottled up inside with no longer any avenues for them to be heard.

You have never celebrated Mother's day because you don't believe in such a day but "Happy Mother's Day" nontheless. It is with deep regrets that I have never done much for you but I want you to know that I have always loved you. To the Greatest Mother of all. One who have given us so much.

The writer wishes all mums a Happy Mother's Day.

Cheated!

In case you're left wondering about the quote in the previous post:

People are like dice, casting themselves into their lives - Jean-Paul Sartre

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Ever had times when you thought everything turned out well but found out later that the result was not what you expected? The disappointment felt extreme, doesn't it? For the better part of that torturous morning I thought I had achieved my silver grading for my annual IPPT but when I collected my result slip, it told me otherwise...

I had missed out by one point, meaning I was cheated out of a hundred bucks by the mere virtue of 2 chin-ups, 2 sit-ups or 0.1sec.... How frustrating is that when I had huffed and puffed my life out struggling to finish that 2.4km run in good time. Now I have to do it all over again, if not for the money I still have my pride and personal target.

Its been a fairly quiet, yet busy month so far. So much arrows stuck on my back to deal with and then there's the anime I'm watching, finding some good philosophical insights and nice songs in them. Then there's this rare forey of me attending a talk organised by the Ocean Geographic Society the other day by the famed NatGeo photojournalist, Emory Kristof (every deep sea photos you see were done by him). A really entertaining 1hour listening to the development of oceanographic photography from the beginnings till today. When asked how he tells people what he does for a living, one cannot help chuckle when he replied," I photograph 'sea monsters' for the Geographic", which was essentially true since most of his subjects would seem like one to ordinary folks.

Oh, and I got back to digging into my pile of resin figures after one whole year of loafing around with gunplas. But I'm still doing plastic models though and so far, my production count for this year has already leaped to 4 (yay!). Honestly, there's no where else to channel my energy towards. It's ridiculous to spend any of it on work anyway since I'm not interested in running the rat race or climbing the corporate ladder. I'm fine just where I am, standing still on one spot. For anyone who's still reading my entries, I thank you and hope you find your comfort spot as well.

The writer is still feeling the fatigue from that exhaustive test. He hopes to have a better rest for the long weekend ahead before going back to get his silver grading.

Join the OG society http://www.ogsociety.org/
A small showcase of what the writer has finished (out of his mountain) http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/album.php?aid=75990&id=705617874&ref=mf

Lost in directions

L'homme est d'abord ce qui se jette vers un avenir,et ce qui est conscient de se projeter dans l'avenir
- Jean-Paul Sartre

What truth these words reflect. Every now and then, one arrives at a crossroad on their journeys. If one is lucky, the way ahead is clearly pointed out with a classic arrow signpost. Some will get clearcut choices (flat path as opposed to rocky terrain). The worst one can get is a dead end.

Since my life have been revolving around the anime world, should it be any surprise that I actually take my directions from there? To be honest, anime has given me more comfort than any of my friends or family members throughout the years. Even though some anime are downright depressing, I can never fail to sense the hope behind every last episode, even though the endings may not always be a happy one.

So here I am, a decade of joining the otaku rank and file. Still the same hopeless person as ten years ago. To the extent of drawing hope from anime, seeing the parallels with my life and deriving advice from it. For example, feeling frustrated at the main character's inability to profess his feelings, I tried forcing myself to take the next step (but not getting the results anyway). Drawing spirit from the sacrifices the guy character goes through for the girl, I tried emulating in my own way (but to no avail as well). Makes one lose confidence in myself with each passing day, wondering and reasoning through my own faults and failings. Sometimes I wonder if the writer for Toradora is actually someone who knows me or has been monitoring my life... but I guess otakus like me are just not cut out to go into a relationship.

I know I've been sitting on this entry for 4 days by now, I'm just reluctant to commit so much of the raw emotions I feel into words. Today (9th April), for the first time in a long while, I woke up with the urge to break down crying. Not because I had to drag myself to work again, but it was an unexplanable surge in a mix of emotions like sorrow and anguish. It could be due to the wierd dream I had earlier (it's kind of inexplicable right now) or perhaps the dam started leaking there and then.

The writer is not posting any post scripts for this entry. Not in the mood to even try to be funny. (Sorry -Ed.)