Yesterday and Today

Time doesn't just fly, it goes by at warp speed, leaving a trail of memories in its wake. Hitting the big 3 soon and still alone, it never fails to start generating a chemical (worry) that hastens the discolouration of the hair.

It doesn't help when you hear of friends and former army mates getting married or already starting families and you're not even within sight of a proper relationship. Usually the people who tend to tell you not to worry too much are either already in a relationship or married. The only singles who will give that advice are those who wish for you to stay single and commenserate in their misery!

Lately, the feeling of loneliness has started creeping into the soul. I feel like an empty shell, asking myself "what the heck am I doing?" when I wake up every single day. Everything seems so dull of a sudden as the realisation sets in that there's nothing to work for or to achieve. For fast cars and big money? What's the point? I dun feel the urge to have everything when I'll still end up with nothing. Every material comfort brings little comfort in the dark lonely nights, the boring rainy days and the quiet moments when you wish you'd be able to exchange all you have for someone to be by your side.

I'm sure there are many who think that once you have the money, the girls will flock to you. Grow up. It doesn't always work that way. If I'd wanted a Material girl, I would have gone and robbed a bank instead of slaving it out in a slow moving job. Perhaps I'm just not too sure of what I want to do with my life at this point in time, hence the sense of hopelessness (blame the boss perhaps?). But I do know that I still have dreams that I would like to fufil. I think I just need a catalyst to come along and give me the boost that I so desperately need. I need you.

The writer is currently not in depression (although his stocks are) and is not on suicide watch. He sleeps rather soundly in his padded cell (ahem... room) and can be overheard babbling nonsense from time to time. Something about the moon, and a nine-year old song...

Subconcious Death

Dreams come and go and one scarcely remembers anything once consciousness is regained. This one was somewhat different.

I was in Tokyo walking around when I recieved a message on my mobile from a friend asking where I was. I remembered replying the Kanda Myojin shrine, which was one of the shrines in the Akihabara region that I visited while I was there.

The next thing I know, I recalled moving to a location to wait for her. It felt as if I was moving to the train station nearby but it turned out to be another shrine, but is its not any I can think of. There was a river behind the building and the opposite shore was brightly lit. The shrine itself was quite dark and had an air that felt like sorrow and the presence of several people wailing, as if in mourning. And I felt like a virtual spectator whereby every being was oblivious to my presence.

After a while it started raining but for some reason, I chose not to go into the shrine but instead took shelter underneathe some canvas shelters outside, all the while just hanging around waiting for my friend to show up. When she did, I remember being so glad and got ready to leave. Just when she came beside me to walk off together, thats when I awoke.

What was so different about this particular dream you may ask? This one remains fresh in my mind, even after a few days. Upon closer reflection, it appears that this may be interpreted as death. The river was the boundary seperating the world of the living (brightly lit shore) and the dead (dark, sorrowful place), similar to the classical myth of the River Styx in Hades. My refusal to enter the shrine could also mean I could not do so as a being from another world (although from which I cannot be sure). The "mourners" may be lamenting their own fates or perhaps mourning for someone's passing. Since they appear in my dream, one can only assume it was probably for myself. It felt like I was a soul standing there waiting for someone. Though the theme appears to be death, it never for once felt like a nightmare.

There were several things that struck me as I recall the events. Even in my own dream, I have to wait for this friend of mine. I could have chosen to go anywhere or do anything else for the tntire duration until she shows up, yet I chose to stay and wait, as if nothing else was more important to me. It clearly highlights the waiting mentality that I have adopted in both the conscious world and my subconscious mind. So far, for all I know, only the Shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu had perfected the art of waiting and gained everything. No one else has come close ever since.

The writer is not a student of Sigmund Freud and the dream interpretations are his own. Any similarities with persons, living or dead (pun NOT intended) are unintentional and purely coincidental. He also wishes to highlight that the waiting game is an exhaustive exercise and will not recommend it to those who cannot cope with alot of stress, depression and sporadic shocks.

Poker. Going for broke.

It feels like a game of poker right now.

For those familiar with the game, the situation is such that I need the final card (river) to complete a straight set while my opponent already holds 2 pairs. And I have a lousy poker face...

This has been a prolonged and exhaustive game. Suppose you say I can just get up and walk away. I must say I don't gamble often and I usually almost always never win but for some reason I've decided to empty my corner and put all my chips down in the pot. It's now all or nothing for me, because this is something I cannot afford to lose, something I can no longer bear to let go.

Just this once, I'd really like to win. Then I ask of nothing else.

Dreams, on a wing and a prayer

Things are not going well. I've been crashing down the pits quite often lately and not finding the solace I've been seeking.

Work is becoming more and more like a pile of BS. When the bosses start breathing down your neck or looking over your shoulders all the time, there are times that I started contemplating on getting down to typing that resignation letter. So far, common sense woke up in time to arrest that. And now that we have worked our asses off for the entire year, every single one of us have to expect a cut in our bonuses AND face a pay-cut sometime soon. It's starting to look like a really short straw I'm drawing.

On the personal life side, a bit of comforting news that has brought about much discomfort and it seems as if the situation has not changed much from where it was 2 years ago. It has been a situation where I find myself half expecting bad news or a heart break with every passing second. Sometimes to the extent of having insomnia throughout the night. I used to think that romance and love is all fun and straightforward, it never was and it certainly won't be with the road I have chosen. It has been full of confusion, heartaches and fear. Fear? The fear of losing the chance of a life-time, the fear of losing out for the love of the one, the fear of rejection.

We've been spending quite a fair bit of time together mainly because I know she needs the support and company. But when she tries to push away and distance herself, it felt like a thousand burning needles sticking at me. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem good enough is it? You had to keep throwing the kitchen sink at me just to keep me at a distance when I'm already giving you ample space and time. How far is far? Out of your sight or out of your life?

Maybe I have been trying too hard and crossing the line unknowingly as I tried to help out as a friend. Perhaps it was just too soon or perhaps you just cannot bring yourself to accept me into your life. Perhaps you hate me for being the cause of all your miseries. Too much uncertainties in this quirky situation. It really is very unsettling to have your life being decided by something that is beyond explanation, this funny little thing called fate.

What will be will be. That is why my dreams are now on a wing and a prayer. You know where to find me, cause I'll be right here. Waiting for you.

Withdrawal

That's it. I'm officially an addict. The cravings just won't stop and its threatening to swamp out my senses and it seems nothing that I use to do matters anymore. I want it, I need it, I'm in pain. Your presence, it's my vicodine, my morphine, and the reason why I'm still alive.

This sheer desperation is torturous and tormenting me every waking moment. I need reprieve and solace but where can it be found? For those of you who STILL do not get it, I fell madly in love, to someone I shouldn't have (or so she keeps telling me).

I am so torn between patience and desperation. On one hand, I know it would do me good to be patient. You always hear me say what will be will be but as the sand trickles, I find myself believing less and less of it. Cue desperation. I'm desperate to make myself heard and make it up the mountain before it becomes insurmountable. The avalanches and rockfalls you trigger do not help one bit as you continuously try to throw me off. Every word was like needles piercing through my heart like the chilling cold of the atmosphere you try to create and deter this mountaineer.

Do you know what it's like? Being trod on and put down despite giving it all that you can give? And yet, despite all the misery and pain, one keeps going on. Fear gripes him at every ledge, anxiety pushes him to go faster even though it is perilous to do so. The loner gets no sympathy from the mountain, no sincere support from those he knows. He is all alone in his quest to scale the peak.

Why? He has given up once before so why not again? He has let go and yet he came back to the very same peak again. What drove him to such madness and compels him to do it all over again? Not because its there, but because of the promise of a new beginning that he desperately craves. To be with you ever since the first time you beheld his gaze. Do you still not see it girl? I am so madly in love with you that I will try my best, or die trying. You are the only solace I can find in this madness surrounding me and my only light in the darkness that perpetuates my life.