Dear Friends...

It is with great sadness that we bid farewell to an eventful year. The extravagence of the Olympic Games in Beijing, the trajedies of the Sichuan earthquake, the China milk scandals, the disasterous financial meltdown...

As we look back and recall the events that were, we now turn our sights to what is to come. The new year brings new hope for all. The hope for peace, the hope for stability, the hope for happiness. As we close the book for the year, it is time for us to reflect and think of what we can do in the coming year to better ourselves.

New Year resolutions. Chief of all has always been to control this temper of mine for almost a decade now. While I haven't been all that successful, at least I think I'm at least much closer to reaching that than I was then.

Next in line is to continue getting that extra $200 for my annual IPPT. Age seems to be catching up but I think I can still hack it if I start training well before the traditional slot I've picked out.

Finally, against all odds, I would very much like to get an answer to the question that has been haunting me for the past 3 years.

The writer has taken a sabbatical from all the worries and troubles to wish everyone a Happy New Year and better times ahead.

Into the Storm

The very first thing that sprang to my mind when I regained conciousness this morning was, Idiot! What the f*** did I just do!?

I've just let go of someone who meant the world to me and the shock was only slowly setting in. For months I had been battered by a storm and only recently managed to find some peace in the eye for a brief period. Now in a moment of pure madness, I've left the calm and stepped into the raging chaos once more.

So here I am, first day of my second "exile" and already entering a depression that can potentially put the stock market indices these days to shame. I suddenly found myself with scant patience for the rest of the world and there's just nothing to look forward to anymore. She has been both a stabilising and destabilising factor in my life so far. How so? One strives to better himself in order to make himself worthy of her. For her I was willing to do almost anything. Yet, she sends me teetering between bliss and depression, upsetting the most fundamental of my patience that I had so pride myself on. What a tumultous end to the year indeed but at least this is not so bad a fall as compared to the first. We fall from time to time, just so we can learn to pick ourselves up.

I'll have to push myself forward in this storm without the sunshine that I so love and need. I know beyond the storm, there are no garauntees that I'll ever see the light of day again, but this is the only way to get answers, this is my only way out. If I fall along the way, I know I have only my two hands and legs to depend upon. I hope my will and determination can carry me through, along with whatever hope is left in me. I need to see the sunlight once again.

I know you're reading this so let me make this clear. I meant what I said last night. If its space you need, then thats what you'll get. My word has always been my bond and I try to keep it that way. I don't think I have any other ways to show you that I'm really a good person. I cannot show that I am better than the one you so miss but I will respect your decision when I leave the storm. For the better part of my life, I had been walking alone in the dark. I would like some light and company for the rest of my journeys, and I do not wish for anyone else than you.

The writer is resigned to wearing the idiot tag for the next few months. Thats the least of his concerns as doubt, paranoia and fear gnaws at him.

Utter disappointment

You can always choose your friends, but you can never choose your family. Famous words uttered by the Godfather himself.

Though I'm not close to any of my relatives, I don't harbour any ill-feeling nor malice against them. I'm simply detached. But try as I may, one can only evade so much. Many of them are actually quite nice people, if not for the expected (and enormously annoying) questions that follow after the initial greetings.

Though I usually parry them by joking back about my current status, it somehow puts me in an awkward position and brings about great discomfort. Being from a large extended family (5 uncles and 9 aunts), it takes alot of effort to be smiling through each and every "interrogation". And no, declaring the 302 status here is not advisable. Which brings me to the background story...

My 2nd uncle was celebrating his birthday and almost everyone showed up for the feast, including many cousins, nephews and nieces. Many of them already have partners with them so the target boards have largely whittled down to myself and my siblings, with me taking all the flak. And drawing on my taichi, I managed to parry most of it as I've already mentioned.

As the celebrations go on, I cannot help but be increasingly envious of all the married relatives I observed. Especially so when the Birthday "boy" was unable to take the toast, his wife gamely took over for him. They're both past their 70s mind you and one cannot help but admire their resilience and dedication to each other. All this while, I remain seated quietly in one corner, smiling along.

I cannot help but feel extremely disappointed with myself at this point in time. My limited achievements seem so insignificant all of a sudden as I stare into an abyss of failure. Perhaps that's the reason why I avoid these functions or stick around when people come visiting. Times like these you just want to up and move to somewhere and be alone for a while...

The writer is currently teetering on the edge of depression and desperately seeks solace in labouring on his models, and only finding very little of it. He also still reeks of his friend's terrier, which he had to cradle while on the ride back.

That illusive thing

There's something in this world that everyone haven't seen before
It's something gentle and very sweet
If they saw it, everyone would probably want it
That's why it was hidden from the World
So it cannot be easily obtained
But eventually, someone will find it
Only that one person will find it
This is the way things go
That is how it is...

Pathfinder

Everyone walks along different paths. Many cross each other's paths, some walk together, others never met in their entire lives. I believe I've been choosing the path that few have chosen to travel.

Blame it on my stubborn nature and independent trait, I've always been choosing paths that has been filled with anxiety, stress and dubious (somewhat treacherous) roads.

Take for example, the first real choice I had to make, which was at the crossroads after the 'O'-level examinations. I had my mind dead set on getting into Ngee Ann Polytechnic's Biotechnology program (now called Life Sciences I believe). However, that path was made difficult by my results and I was posted to another program at another institute. I decided to fight it out with the various appeal channels. A few weeks later, my official appeal was rejected and disappointment permeated my spirit. Just a few days before I was to officially enroll into the program, I got a letter informing me my appeal through the "student leader scheme" had been successful and I am thankful today that I tried all I could to get in, because of all the wonderful people I've had the pleasure to have crossed paths with.

Another crossroads came up after that short 3 year journey. Although us guys had it better (in a sense) without having to ponder too much about our futures by deferring it for 2 and a half years while we serve our nation. Most people would have branded me as nuts but I chose to join the military as a career (albeit a short term one) with the view of saving up to further my studies. Looking back, it might still be too soon to conclude whether it was a wise choice and all. There were good times and bad, fun and boredom, tears and triumph (hey, I did conquer my fear of heights by jumping out of an aircraft so gimme some credit alright?). It wasn't an easy time I'll admit but I survived, maybe a little wiser, a little more humble and alot more aware of my own failings and limitations.

When I left the army, my path had already been determined as I jet off to Queensland for my Uni studies. Down under there were many choices to make (in the form of modules and courses) and I must say that most of what I took had brought with them valuable experiences, some of which I'd probably never have the chance to experience again (saving green turtle hatchlings anyone?). It was also there that I've chosen to embark on the most treacherous paths I've took so far...

The writer has been cut off for the time being for being too long-winded. We apologies for the inconveniences caused. ~ Editor

Yesterday and Today

Time doesn't just fly, it goes by at warp speed, leaving a trail of memories in its wake. Hitting the big 3 soon and still alone, it never fails to start generating a chemical (worry) that hastens the discolouration of the hair.

It doesn't help when you hear of friends and former army mates getting married or already starting families and you're not even within sight of a proper relationship. Usually the people who tend to tell you not to worry too much are either already in a relationship or married. The only singles who will give that advice are those who wish for you to stay single and commenserate in their misery!

Lately, the feeling of loneliness has started creeping into the soul. I feel like an empty shell, asking myself "what the heck am I doing?" when I wake up every single day. Everything seems so dull of a sudden as the realisation sets in that there's nothing to work for or to achieve. For fast cars and big money? What's the point? I dun feel the urge to have everything when I'll still end up with nothing. Every material comfort brings little comfort in the dark lonely nights, the boring rainy days and the quiet moments when you wish you'd be able to exchange all you have for someone to be by your side.

I'm sure there are many who think that once you have the money, the girls will flock to you. Grow up. It doesn't always work that way. If I'd wanted a Material girl, I would have gone and robbed a bank instead of slaving it out in a slow moving job. Perhaps I'm just not too sure of what I want to do with my life at this point in time, hence the sense of hopelessness (blame the boss perhaps?). But I do know that I still have dreams that I would like to fufil. I think I just need a catalyst to come along and give me the boost that I so desperately need. I need you.

The writer is currently not in depression (although his stocks are) and is not on suicide watch. He sleeps rather soundly in his padded cell (ahem... room) and can be overheard babbling nonsense from time to time. Something about the moon, and a nine-year old song...

Subconcious Death

Dreams come and go and one scarcely remembers anything once consciousness is regained. This one was somewhat different.

I was in Tokyo walking around when I recieved a message on my mobile from a friend asking where I was. I remembered replying the Kanda Myojin shrine, which was one of the shrines in the Akihabara region that I visited while I was there.

The next thing I know, I recalled moving to a location to wait for her. It felt as if I was moving to the train station nearby but it turned out to be another shrine, but is its not any I can think of. There was a river behind the building and the opposite shore was brightly lit. The shrine itself was quite dark and had an air that felt like sorrow and the presence of several people wailing, as if in mourning. And I felt like a virtual spectator whereby every being was oblivious to my presence.

After a while it started raining but for some reason, I chose not to go into the shrine but instead took shelter underneathe some canvas shelters outside, all the while just hanging around waiting for my friend to show up. When she did, I remember being so glad and got ready to leave. Just when she came beside me to walk off together, thats when I awoke.

What was so different about this particular dream you may ask? This one remains fresh in my mind, even after a few days. Upon closer reflection, it appears that this may be interpreted as death. The river was the boundary seperating the world of the living (brightly lit shore) and the dead (dark, sorrowful place), similar to the classical myth of the River Styx in Hades. My refusal to enter the shrine could also mean I could not do so as a being from another world (although from which I cannot be sure). The "mourners" may be lamenting their own fates or perhaps mourning for someone's passing. Since they appear in my dream, one can only assume it was probably for myself. It felt like I was a soul standing there waiting for someone. Though the theme appears to be death, it never for once felt like a nightmare.

There were several things that struck me as I recall the events. Even in my own dream, I have to wait for this friend of mine. I could have chosen to go anywhere or do anything else for the tntire duration until she shows up, yet I chose to stay and wait, as if nothing else was more important to me. It clearly highlights the waiting mentality that I have adopted in both the conscious world and my subconscious mind. So far, for all I know, only the Shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu had perfected the art of waiting and gained everything. No one else has come close ever since.

The writer is not a student of Sigmund Freud and the dream interpretations are his own. Any similarities with persons, living or dead (pun NOT intended) are unintentional and purely coincidental. He also wishes to highlight that the waiting game is an exhaustive exercise and will not recommend it to those who cannot cope with alot of stress, depression and sporadic shocks.