Dear Friends...

It is with great sadness that we bid farewell to an eventful year. The extravagence of the Olympic Games in Beijing, the trajedies of the Sichuan earthquake, the China milk scandals, the disasterous financial meltdown...

As we look back and recall the events that were, we now turn our sights to what is to come. The new year brings new hope for all. The hope for peace, the hope for stability, the hope for happiness. As we close the book for the year, it is time for us to reflect and think of what we can do in the coming year to better ourselves.

New Year resolutions. Chief of all has always been to control this temper of mine for almost a decade now. While I haven't been all that successful, at least I think I'm at least much closer to reaching that than I was then.

Next in line is to continue getting that extra $200 for my annual IPPT. Age seems to be catching up but I think I can still hack it if I start training well before the traditional slot I've picked out.

Finally, against all odds, I would very much like to get an answer to the question that has been haunting me for the past 3 years.

The writer has taken a sabbatical from all the worries and troubles to wish everyone a Happy New Year and better times ahead.

Into the Storm

The very first thing that sprang to my mind when I regained conciousness this morning was, Idiot! What the f*** did I just do!?

I've just let go of someone who meant the world to me and the shock was only slowly setting in. For months I had been battered by a storm and only recently managed to find some peace in the eye for a brief period. Now in a moment of pure madness, I've left the calm and stepped into the raging chaos once more.

So here I am, first day of my second "exile" and already entering a depression that can potentially put the stock market indices these days to shame. I suddenly found myself with scant patience for the rest of the world and there's just nothing to look forward to anymore. She has been both a stabilising and destabilising factor in my life so far. How so? One strives to better himself in order to make himself worthy of her. For her I was willing to do almost anything. Yet, she sends me teetering between bliss and depression, upsetting the most fundamental of my patience that I had so pride myself on. What a tumultous end to the year indeed but at least this is not so bad a fall as compared to the first. We fall from time to time, just so we can learn to pick ourselves up.

I'll have to push myself forward in this storm without the sunshine that I so love and need. I know beyond the storm, there are no garauntees that I'll ever see the light of day again, but this is the only way to get answers, this is my only way out. If I fall along the way, I know I have only my two hands and legs to depend upon. I hope my will and determination can carry me through, along with whatever hope is left in me. I need to see the sunlight once again.

I know you're reading this so let me make this clear. I meant what I said last night. If its space you need, then thats what you'll get. My word has always been my bond and I try to keep it that way. I don't think I have any other ways to show you that I'm really a good person. I cannot show that I am better than the one you so miss but I will respect your decision when I leave the storm. For the better part of my life, I had been walking alone in the dark. I would like some light and company for the rest of my journeys, and I do not wish for anyone else than you.

The writer is resigned to wearing the idiot tag for the next few months. Thats the least of his concerns as doubt, paranoia and fear gnaws at him.

Utter disappointment

You can always choose your friends, but you can never choose your family. Famous words uttered by the Godfather himself.

Though I'm not close to any of my relatives, I don't harbour any ill-feeling nor malice against them. I'm simply detached. But try as I may, one can only evade so much. Many of them are actually quite nice people, if not for the expected (and enormously annoying) questions that follow after the initial greetings.

Though I usually parry them by joking back about my current status, it somehow puts me in an awkward position and brings about great discomfort. Being from a large extended family (5 uncles and 9 aunts), it takes alot of effort to be smiling through each and every "interrogation". And no, declaring the 302 status here is not advisable. Which brings me to the background story...

My 2nd uncle was celebrating his birthday and almost everyone showed up for the feast, including many cousins, nephews and nieces. Many of them already have partners with them so the target boards have largely whittled down to myself and my siblings, with me taking all the flak. And drawing on my taichi, I managed to parry most of it as I've already mentioned.

As the celebrations go on, I cannot help but be increasingly envious of all the married relatives I observed. Especially so when the Birthday "boy" was unable to take the toast, his wife gamely took over for him. They're both past their 70s mind you and one cannot help but admire their resilience and dedication to each other. All this while, I remain seated quietly in one corner, smiling along.

I cannot help but feel extremely disappointed with myself at this point in time. My limited achievements seem so insignificant all of a sudden as I stare into an abyss of failure. Perhaps that's the reason why I avoid these functions or stick around when people come visiting. Times like these you just want to up and move to somewhere and be alone for a while...

The writer is currently teetering on the edge of depression and desperately seeks solace in labouring on his models, and only finding very little of it. He also still reeks of his friend's terrier, which he had to cradle while on the ride back.

That illusive thing

There's something in this world that everyone haven't seen before
It's something gentle and very sweet
If they saw it, everyone would probably want it
That's why it was hidden from the World
So it cannot be easily obtained
But eventually, someone will find it
Only that one person will find it
This is the way things go
That is how it is...

Pathfinder

Everyone walks along different paths. Many cross each other's paths, some walk together, others never met in their entire lives. I believe I've been choosing the path that few have chosen to travel.

Blame it on my stubborn nature and independent trait, I've always been choosing paths that has been filled with anxiety, stress and dubious (somewhat treacherous) roads.

Take for example, the first real choice I had to make, which was at the crossroads after the 'O'-level examinations. I had my mind dead set on getting into Ngee Ann Polytechnic's Biotechnology program (now called Life Sciences I believe). However, that path was made difficult by my results and I was posted to another program at another institute. I decided to fight it out with the various appeal channels. A few weeks later, my official appeal was rejected and disappointment permeated my spirit. Just a few days before I was to officially enroll into the program, I got a letter informing me my appeal through the "student leader scheme" had been successful and I am thankful today that I tried all I could to get in, because of all the wonderful people I've had the pleasure to have crossed paths with.

Another crossroads came up after that short 3 year journey. Although us guys had it better (in a sense) without having to ponder too much about our futures by deferring it for 2 and a half years while we serve our nation. Most people would have branded me as nuts but I chose to join the military as a career (albeit a short term one) with the view of saving up to further my studies. Looking back, it might still be too soon to conclude whether it was a wise choice and all. There were good times and bad, fun and boredom, tears and triumph (hey, I did conquer my fear of heights by jumping out of an aircraft so gimme some credit alright?). It wasn't an easy time I'll admit but I survived, maybe a little wiser, a little more humble and alot more aware of my own failings and limitations.

When I left the army, my path had already been determined as I jet off to Queensland for my Uni studies. Down under there were many choices to make (in the form of modules and courses) and I must say that most of what I took had brought with them valuable experiences, some of which I'd probably never have the chance to experience again (saving green turtle hatchlings anyone?). It was also there that I've chosen to embark on the most treacherous paths I've took so far...

The writer has been cut off for the time being for being too long-winded. We apologies for the inconveniences caused. ~ Editor

Yesterday and Today

Time doesn't just fly, it goes by at warp speed, leaving a trail of memories in its wake. Hitting the big 3 soon and still alone, it never fails to start generating a chemical (worry) that hastens the discolouration of the hair.

It doesn't help when you hear of friends and former army mates getting married or already starting families and you're not even within sight of a proper relationship. Usually the people who tend to tell you not to worry too much are either already in a relationship or married. The only singles who will give that advice are those who wish for you to stay single and commenserate in their misery!

Lately, the feeling of loneliness has started creeping into the soul. I feel like an empty shell, asking myself "what the heck am I doing?" when I wake up every single day. Everything seems so dull of a sudden as the realisation sets in that there's nothing to work for or to achieve. For fast cars and big money? What's the point? I dun feel the urge to have everything when I'll still end up with nothing. Every material comfort brings little comfort in the dark lonely nights, the boring rainy days and the quiet moments when you wish you'd be able to exchange all you have for someone to be by your side.

I'm sure there are many who think that once you have the money, the girls will flock to you. Grow up. It doesn't always work that way. If I'd wanted a Material girl, I would have gone and robbed a bank instead of slaving it out in a slow moving job. Perhaps I'm just not too sure of what I want to do with my life at this point in time, hence the sense of hopelessness (blame the boss perhaps?). But I do know that I still have dreams that I would like to fufil. I think I just need a catalyst to come along and give me the boost that I so desperately need. I need you.

The writer is currently not in depression (although his stocks are) and is not on suicide watch. He sleeps rather soundly in his padded cell (ahem... room) and can be overheard babbling nonsense from time to time. Something about the moon, and a nine-year old song...

Subconcious Death

Dreams come and go and one scarcely remembers anything once consciousness is regained. This one was somewhat different.

I was in Tokyo walking around when I recieved a message on my mobile from a friend asking where I was. I remembered replying the Kanda Myojin shrine, which was one of the shrines in the Akihabara region that I visited while I was there.

The next thing I know, I recalled moving to a location to wait for her. It felt as if I was moving to the train station nearby but it turned out to be another shrine, but is its not any I can think of. There was a river behind the building and the opposite shore was brightly lit. The shrine itself was quite dark and had an air that felt like sorrow and the presence of several people wailing, as if in mourning. And I felt like a virtual spectator whereby every being was oblivious to my presence.

After a while it started raining but for some reason, I chose not to go into the shrine but instead took shelter underneathe some canvas shelters outside, all the while just hanging around waiting for my friend to show up. When she did, I remember being so glad and got ready to leave. Just when she came beside me to walk off together, thats when I awoke.

What was so different about this particular dream you may ask? This one remains fresh in my mind, even after a few days. Upon closer reflection, it appears that this may be interpreted as death. The river was the boundary seperating the world of the living (brightly lit shore) and the dead (dark, sorrowful place), similar to the classical myth of the River Styx in Hades. My refusal to enter the shrine could also mean I could not do so as a being from another world (although from which I cannot be sure). The "mourners" may be lamenting their own fates or perhaps mourning for someone's passing. Since they appear in my dream, one can only assume it was probably for myself. It felt like I was a soul standing there waiting for someone. Though the theme appears to be death, it never for once felt like a nightmare.

There were several things that struck me as I recall the events. Even in my own dream, I have to wait for this friend of mine. I could have chosen to go anywhere or do anything else for the tntire duration until she shows up, yet I chose to stay and wait, as if nothing else was more important to me. It clearly highlights the waiting mentality that I have adopted in both the conscious world and my subconscious mind. So far, for all I know, only the Shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu had perfected the art of waiting and gained everything. No one else has come close ever since.

The writer is not a student of Sigmund Freud and the dream interpretations are his own. Any similarities with persons, living or dead (pun NOT intended) are unintentional and purely coincidental. He also wishes to highlight that the waiting game is an exhaustive exercise and will not recommend it to those who cannot cope with alot of stress, depression and sporadic shocks.

Poker. Going for broke.

It feels like a game of poker right now.

For those familiar with the game, the situation is such that I need the final card (river) to complete a straight set while my opponent already holds 2 pairs. And I have a lousy poker face...

This has been a prolonged and exhaustive game. Suppose you say I can just get up and walk away. I must say I don't gamble often and I usually almost always never win but for some reason I've decided to empty my corner and put all my chips down in the pot. It's now all or nothing for me, because this is something I cannot afford to lose, something I can no longer bear to let go.

Just this once, I'd really like to win. Then I ask of nothing else.

Dreams, on a wing and a prayer

Things are not going well. I've been crashing down the pits quite often lately and not finding the solace I've been seeking.

Work is becoming more and more like a pile of BS. When the bosses start breathing down your neck or looking over your shoulders all the time, there are times that I started contemplating on getting down to typing that resignation letter. So far, common sense woke up in time to arrest that. And now that we have worked our asses off for the entire year, every single one of us have to expect a cut in our bonuses AND face a pay-cut sometime soon. It's starting to look like a really short straw I'm drawing.

On the personal life side, a bit of comforting news that has brought about much discomfort and it seems as if the situation has not changed much from where it was 2 years ago. It has been a situation where I find myself half expecting bad news or a heart break with every passing second. Sometimes to the extent of having insomnia throughout the night. I used to think that romance and love is all fun and straightforward, it never was and it certainly won't be with the road I have chosen. It has been full of confusion, heartaches and fear. Fear? The fear of losing the chance of a life-time, the fear of losing out for the love of the one, the fear of rejection.

We've been spending quite a fair bit of time together mainly because I know she needs the support and company. But when she tries to push away and distance herself, it felt like a thousand burning needles sticking at me. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem good enough is it? You had to keep throwing the kitchen sink at me just to keep me at a distance when I'm already giving you ample space and time. How far is far? Out of your sight or out of your life?

Maybe I have been trying too hard and crossing the line unknowingly as I tried to help out as a friend. Perhaps it was just too soon or perhaps you just cannot bring yourself to accept me into your life. Perhaps you hate me for being the cause of all your miseries. Too much uncertainties in this quirky situation. It really is very unsettling to have your life being decided by something that is beyond explanation, this funny little thing called fate.

What will be will be. That is why my dreams are now on a wing and a prayer. You know where to find me, cause I'll be right here. Waiting for you.

Withdrawal

That's it. I'm officially an addict. The cravings just won't stop and its threatening to swamp out my senses and it seems nothing that I use to do matters anymore. I want it, I need it, I'm in pain. Your presence, it's my vicodine, my morphine, and the reason why I'm still alive.

This sheer desperation is torturous and tormenting me every waking moment. I need reprieve and solace but where can it be found? For those of you who STILL do not get it, I fell madly in love, to someone I shouldn't have (or so she keeps telling me).

I am so torn between patience and desperation. On one hand, I know it would do me good to be patient. You always hear me say what will be will be but as the sand trickles, I find myself believing less and less of it. Cue desperation. I'm desperate to make myself heard and make it up the mountain before it becomes insurmountable. The avalanches and rockfalls you trigger do not help one bit as you continuously try to throw me off. Every word was like needles piercing through my heart like the chilling cold of the atmosphere you try to create and deter this mountaineer.

Do you know what it's like? Being trod on and put down despite giving it all that you can give? And yet, despite all the misery and pain, one keeps going on. Fear gripes him at every ledge, anxiety pushes him to go faster even though it is perilous to do so. The loner gets no sympathy from the mountain, no sincere support from those he knows. He is all alone in his quest to scale the peak.

Why? He has given up once before so why not again? He has let go and yet he came back to the very same peak again. What drove him to such madness and compels him to do it all over again? Not because its there, but because of the promise of a new beginning that he desperately craves. To be with you ever since the first time you beheld his gaze. Do you still not see it girl? I am so madly in love with you that I will try my best, or die trying. You are the only solace I can find in this madness surrounding me and my only light in the darkness that perpetuates my life.

Madness? This is what they call Love.

It used to be that my patience can tide me through many things but lately it seems, my patience is being tried and it is no longer as dependable as it was. Time as it seems, is no longer on my side as I now try to surmount some rather tough odds as I start finding myself worrying more than ever as the sense of urgency creeps up on me to get an answer. The pressure and stress of work is not helping (neither is the fact that my supported teams are not performing well, whats the go Ferrari?!). Heck, I'm even contemplating on going overseas to chase someone down if it comes down to that.

It all sounds a little cryptic here but thats the way it is. I'm back to my cryptic secretive ways. The walls have eyes, or I may be going mad from all that anxiety...

Brief respite

And so it came to pass, the brief respite I had from the toils and troubles of work and (gasp) more work. This planned trip to the land of the rising sun had taken far too long to materialise but it finally pulled through and I, for one, am finally having a long break from all the worrying I've been doing.

For this purpose, I hopped on board the new A380 for a short flight to the Eastern Capital of Tokyo, for what had been a trip 3 years in the making, with a good friend of mine. We reached our destination early morning on the 5th and after a breif stopover at Tokyo station for some coffee (he insisted on filling his stomach) before making our way to our ryokan. But due to an error in taking the trains, we ended up in the wrong direction, at Akihabara. Omnious sign to reach the very stop I had always wanted to come to. But we had our luggage in tow so we made our way to the ryokan (the right direction) and reached there by 10-11ish. The check-in was pretty simple and the room was cosy. We popped in to a nearby 7-11 for our first meal of instant noodles. Hey, it was no shame at all since it was a totally new experience to be eating something of such good quality.

So there we were for the whole of 7 days, running around (the train system was surprisingly not that complicated) and going plenty of places. We, or rather I, hung around Akihabara for a good portion of the trip. It was my Mecca and paradise. To be able to finally enter Animate, hunt in Toranoana and explore Mandarake was so indescribable, I spent a few hours scouring through the stuff at one place that I almost forgot the time!

But all is not about Akiba. We did go to the famous fish market at Tsukiji (and feasted on some very fresh sushi), scooted over to the famous shrines in Nikko, visited the various temples in Asakuza (the famous Raimon too), Ueno, Ochanomizu and others (including the notorious Yasukuni). I ended up getting several charms for my colleagues and friends (friends got most of the charms praying for love, I got 4 for myself alone :p). I was so bowled over by the place and the feeling that I didn't really want to come back. A visit to the Maid cafe (Pinafore) was so unreal but it was like a chicken going into the pond. Had a real hard time trying to communicate and the girls were so cute trying to make sense! I was a very sad soul when I was boarding the plane.

Coming back home, I came crashing down. Suddenly everything became drab and the public transport was a total let-down (not that it was that fantastic to begin with).It was tough picking myself up to get back to work, especially when I landed smack in the middle of a fire-fighting session back in the office. Sigh.... back to work.

August Frenzy

I know its been a while, quite alot has happened for the past month or so. First, got called up for my very first In-camp training. And then the much awaited Olympics came. Lets talk about the ICT first.

There I was, newly assigned to the unit and then was thrown into a Brigade level full-troop exercise.Well, all was rather fine since I was able to click with the other platoon commanders but had a slightly hard time trying to merge completely into the scout platoon. I understand since their original PC had been with them all the way so its unrealistic to expect total acceptence for a new guy like myself. Still, that remains a minor issue. It was the scheduled 8 days of exercise that raised quite a few eye-brows and lowered morale for many. What made it so long was actually a series of "breaks" in between the mission. Only thing is, these "breaks" sap more energy than replenish it because of the waiting and wondering. It does no good to lower our fatigue levels.

Anyway, first mission was a supposedly simple recon mission but on one of the tougher objective routes for my team. And we were inserted at the wrong time, giving us only an hour of cover under darkness to walk. As if that was not bad enough, it seems as if I overrated my own capability cause the moment I picked up my field-pack and started walking, I knew I was in deep trouble. The other guys were just as bad but I did manage to put up a front to push them on but it was futile after 3 hours when we eventually resulted in 5 minutes of walking followed by 10 minutes of resting. It was just that bad. Our mission was FUBAR (F*cked Up Beyond All Repair) and we got "killed" by a patrolling Armour vehicle after a while. Why FUBAR? There was only 1 road in to our objective and there was a whole company of enemy troops waiting for us along the way. AND to top it all off, the objective was changed to another one AFTER we were declared "dead"... Consolation though that we get to rest for the entire duration of that first mission, only having to deal with surprised remarks of us scouts being "captured" (hello, we are dead, not captured. And dead scouts dun talk).

2nd mission wasn't so bad if not for me being trapped by an enemy patrol on my way to the objective from my Observation Point position. For 3 whole hours, I disappeared off everyone's radar (I think my team declared me captured). So there I was, trying to think of ways and means to get back to my OP. I eventually decided to try bashing through some very tall cane plants, making quite a fair din with the rustling. To think of the fact that its the Chinese 7th month did not help. I ended up at a road junction near an enemy OP position that was the very same one that trapped my only route back. They heard me alright but I was lucky they never came to investigate. So I just sat tight near the road in the bushes, tired, tirsty and very very pissed. I bidded my time and calculated the risks before making a run for it. A distance from the spot, I jumped into the forest and move quickly in the general direction of my OP. Either the enemy were asleep or too surprised to even give chase, I won't know. I knew for sure my heart was pumping like a motor piston. The guys were all damn surprised to see me for sure.

Final mission was something new to me. I was to act as the intel officer for the Armour-fighting force for the Battalion's defence mission. Nothing much happened though since the enemy opted to attack from another direction so nothing for me to do, right? Wrong! Another group launched their attack at another Battalion's defence position and I happen to be right in the area. And when the other OPs could not get through to the main intel centre, I ended up being the mobile intel centre in the field. Its not easy in that cold damp environment where water condenses everywhere, including rubber tyres. It was an eye-opener of an exercise really but hell no I don't want to go through it all again!

Not to mention that this whole thing made us missed a whole chunk of the Olympic events! Even though I'm not a fervant fan to watch every event, I'm still a strong supporter of the Olympic ideals and celebrating the best of Athleticism. Kudos to Michael Phelps and Usain "Lightning" Bolt for their prowess and to the Chinese (Whom cannot be entirely trusted for their product quality) for organising such an extraordinary Games that no other Nations can possibly match. (London has alot to think about and do). Good show but it's back to work now.

System failure

I hereby declare the BYOB day a failure, along with all the whacko ideas that the authorities have come up with. Why? Because everything just failed from the end-users' viewpoint.

First up, BYOB day was implemented to try getting people to cut down on the use of plastic bags. Just the other day, I was down to the local supermarket (with my own bag in tow) and was greeted with the sickening sight of all the lazy folks gorging themselves with the plastic bags to carry their merchandise with. There at the side of the counter was a small can which 10cents was to be donated for every plastic bag taken. Not a single cent was ever dropped in after observing 10 people with obvious plastic bag fetishes moving off from the check-out counters. Instant failure...

Next comes the road traffic regulating measures, most "fondly" in the form of higher payment on what used to be heavily-congested roads (which are still congested). Has the ERP succeeded in easing traffic flow? Hell no! Let's put this in the form of a simple analogysince the brains behind it fail to see it so clearly. If I have 100 cars heading to a single point A with only 3 roads leading to A I get congested roads on all 3 with perhaps road 1 being more congested. If I make people travelling on road 1 pay more, I successfully "eased" the traffic flow for road 1. What the nit wits dun see is there are STILL 100 cars on all 3 roads and that number is still allowed to grow! Why is it so damn hard to just cut the number of new cars sprouting out on the roads? Is it because daddy's little boy just got his licence and he has to make sure he gets one so as to show that your family is well-to-do?

Hello people! Yeah, you sitting in that office chair in some Ministry or authority. I seriously question your credentials to be sitting in your positions. I even question your qualifications as graduates or professionals with any common sense.

Say what?

I now wish to refute a very popular gripe among the locals here. Singaporeans are NOT inconsiderate. They are the most kind and generous people around. They can have the heart to throw millions away to every disaster area that needs relief, oblivious to the fact that most of it probably ended up in some politician's pockets, funding their Mercedez rides. They can even donate tens of thousands in "blood money" to a poor murdered girl, which ended up with her mother whom promptly packed her bags and left for her home town in China and live in a life of semi-luxury. All these thanks to our generosity.

So why is it that many of us berate our fellow countrymen as inconsiderate and yet we show such a generous side? The answer is very simple. Singaporeans are ILLITERATE and hence STUPID. Take for example the many sign boards telling people not to litter and yet you see litter underneathe that very sign. What irony. Escalators with signs telling people to stand on the left to let people pass on the right side are not understood, even though its in the universal language English. Whats even worse are the cars that park next to signs asking them not to park there. How do these people even get a licence to begin with!?

Well, thats just it. The government has to step in and start sending the majority of the population back to grammar school instead of harping over the official "statistics" that we have a 98% literacy rate. Because the evidence just points otherwise, that many of the adults and working professionals are simply not up to par yet.

Conscious Nightmares

I am still scarred by the manner in which my mother passed away. Everything has been a (somewhat) welcomed distraction so far as I sought to leave the pieces behind and move on as I have always done for all the bad things that happened. Yet, somehow I keep finding myself looking back and reliving that final 24hrs of anguish and despair during the quiet moments.

Just a clarification though. I am not a mummy's boy. Never was a good boy as well. I have caused her a fair bit of pain and disappointment during those rebellious years as an emo teen. Yet, I can always feel her love for me and the guilt builds up after all these years. Even though I strove to make her proud of me, I never felt I had done so. So there I was, at her bed side in that hospital room the day of her warding. She had complained of feeling chilly in spite of the blankets. It was at that moment that I did the only thing that conveyed my care for her, by taking her hands to give her some warmth. Never in my mind would I have thought that something would happen to her. She was in the care in a country boasting one of the finest healthcare services in the world. What could go wrong? It turned out, everything.

She never regained consciousness after midnight. That night till dawn was harrowing seeing her transferred to the Intensive Care Unit at 2am but still I held faith in the medical professionals. The next afternoon, seeing her lying helpless in bed and being restrained in a semi-conscious state, I broke down in public. Yet still, I held out hope that she might pull through.

Then it started. First, her heart stopped beating but the doctors restarted it and pumped adrenaline to aid the heart. I was sent home earlier to wash up and prepare to spend the night on a virgil and had to rush back in the evening traffic, all the while murmuring desperately for her to at least hold on till I'm there. We finally had the opportunity to go into the room. We were there giving her verbal encouragement, futile hope that she can make it out in one piece. Then against all hope, her heart failed a second time and the nurses pulled the curtains for a final time as despair started to fill my heart. I was shattered when the doctor came out with the bad news. We filed in to be with her one last time. I knew she was already gone. It had been far too long for her brain to still be functioning while lacking in oxygen. It was raining by the time we went home after settling the forms and the funeral arrangements. It felt like the whole world was crying with me.

Several months on. I'm back to working and whatever socialising I had, trying to go back to the "normal" life I once had but the sense of something missing never left. This Mother's day, I bought a stalk of carnation for the first time and visited her. We had never really celebrated that day but I desperately wanted to do something. I still feel alot of guilt and regret for never showing her more concern than I should have as her son. Yet, I know I have to put up a show of strength for the sake of my father, who was probably the hardest hit by this event. With this vast amount of guilt eating away, I don't know how long I can put up this facade as I feel the cracks starting to form. I am human too afterall you know...

One hurdle cleared for the year

It is a herculean task for every "able-bodied" male in Singapore to have to pass their annual Individual Physical Proficiency Test (IPPT). It ironic that almost every male, once having left the army or past the age of 30, inevitably developes an unhealthy increase in the size of his pants. Thankfully, I'm still not in this bunch but its still very demoralising to have to undertake this strainuous task every year.

Not that I have a difficulty in passing, I'm just trying to get the bare minimum (personal)standard of silver (and that $200 that comes with it). So there I was on the running track, running for my dear life, trying to beat the clock with my huffing and panting. Very soon, the dry throat and aching legs caught up but I did manage to cross before my mental endurance collapsed. So I've crossed this hurdle and am able to settle back into being a couch potato again for another year.

And how did I spend that extra cash? I went and blew it by offsetting the cost of a limited edition PSP Slim. And coincidentally its colours coincide with the colours of my team (Red Devils). Everything's good right now :)

Minor updating

Hee, been getting very lazy recently. Have resorted to re-watching Densha Otoko "電車男" all over again, just to fill in the time since most of my anime have not been releasing as regularly. I'm not even sure when the subbers are gonna clear all that backlog.

Oh yeah, had the misfortune to drop into the sea during some treatment of the fish. Wet clothing and wet underwear..... ewwww..... Luckily I did bring a spare set in my bag. Sigh, bad omens for the week perhaps?

IPPT training...again

Its that time of the year where all able-bodied males in Singapore dread. IPPT is round the corner and time to dust off those barely-used runners and work on those flabs. Whoa whoa whoa, hang on a minute there. Just to clarify I keep my body in relatively good condition. I dun have much visible flab but my six-packer is no longer that visible. That's starting to bug me quite a bit but being the lazy bugger that I am, its kinda hard to bring myself to start. But then again, I still have to force myself to start the training somehow.

A coincidence that I picked today coz the weather was fine enough for the guys to go play a bit of futsal in the afternoon sun during lunch. Good enough to work up some sweat. Then again, I still have to go for a short 15-minute run when I got home so you can imagine how pooped out I am at the end of the day.

Oh well. No pain no gain. Look forward to getting at least $200 from the test though.

Days when you go...

Rain. Lots of it. And in bouts. All this in a day's work. Not very nice for one who has to brave the elements every working day. Nobody enjoys being soaked and I'm no exception. Yet I still have to carry on because it is my work afterall.

Time to make and hang some teru teru bozus (Japanese rain wards). I hate rain....

First flight

I was never meant to write. I am not a writer, not even a mediocre one. Yet, there is always an urge to put my thoughts in print. It feels like setting my inner demons free.

I had a previous log that I contributed to from time to time during my lonely hours while studying in Australia. I was almost always alone, which suites me just fine since I am quite inept in the socializing business. So the time was often spent between whiling away the time playing games, doing personal reflections and missing home. It was during this time that I was struck by lightning. Well, maybe not lightning but it felt like a sudden jolt from nowhere when I met someone who would make some changes to my life.

It was not that obvious at first, given that I had several rules set for myself and one of which was never to be a third party. It was pretty soon that the rule was broken. Slowly the addiction set in and it went on for quite a while. Love was pretty much like heroine and writing was a small avenue to exorcise some of the inner demons that ravaged the mind. When I finally picked up the courage to let it go, it also spelt the end to my words as first emptiness sets in before it fills up with sadness. Enforcement of the silence policy had to be strict as punishment for the rule violation. I did my time.

It has been over a year to the day I last wrote. Since then, I have lost another light in my life when my dear mother passed away suddenly. It seemed the whole world was crashing down on me but I kept quiet. The silence was deafening and it eats aways at the heart every passing day.

It was this day I went to catch yet another movie, alone. The choice was "The Leap Years". The reason for it was the ever beautiful Li-Lin (bless her charming smile). Watching movies alone is rather convenient, not to mention cheaper, but watching a romantic one alone with hordes of other lovebirds around you is not something I would recommend to everyone.

The movie was a charming story and it conjured up several thoughts into the mind. Humans love fantasy and dreams, because it brings them to their own perfect world, away from the realities of life. I am a dreamer myself and have spent most of my time in fantasies and dreams. I took my leap of faith and fell. It is time to realise that what I have learnt about life in 3 simple words:

It moves on.

Time for me to start from scratch, and take flight once again.